I am starting this with a warning: I'll admit it, I don't think I'm fully body positive...yet. I'm working on loving myself so that I can love everyone else. Body image is a constant struggle which actually helps me relate to others and fight for causes of body diversity in media.
What would my life be like if I had no mirrors? No social media? No exposure to comparisons and judgements from the outside world on how my body would look like?
I ask myself this almost every day. There is not an hour that goes by that I don't think about the way that I look and how others perceive me. The insecurities that I have attained throughout my short life are the result of years of external factors telling me what the perfect, most aesthetically pleasing life should be like. It also doesn't help that a majority of fashion brands have completely ignored the sizing needs of a majority of people looking for stylish ensembles, or even still use the outdated business practice of "one size fits all". The average dress size for a woman in the US is 14-18, outside the average size range of what most brands offer.
My problems with body image starts at home.
My twin brother is a 6 ‘3” string bean, and my sister was a college athlete and continues to train for triathlons. They’re both lean and athletic, and they eat like hungry athletes. Then there’s me, the youngest in terms of age, in the middle in terms of height, but at the bottom in terms of healthy “looking” physique or ability to keep body fat off their face, arms, stomach, and legs. I've had appetite issues since I can remember, and not the best relationship with food (even though if you've read my previous posts, I love cooking and have good portion control). I was also an athlete, dabbling in various sports. I played tennis every summer, and played lacrosse and field hockey for over 8 years. I still play field hockey in college, and work out on my own. I even went to a crossfit gym in the offseason (which for me was winter. I tried winter track but it was NOT my cup of tea). I pride myself in the efforts I have made to live healthy keep my mind sharp. Even so, I would look back at action shots my dad caught of me on the field, and couldn’t help but feel shame.
Compared to my siblings, I looked like a bumbling sibling who no one would assume was healthy. My doctor’s visits wouldn’t prove my health either. I’ve always had a slightly overweight BMI (why they still use BMI I have no idea. I don’t see it as the best way to gauge health according to height and weight). These yearly physicals and blood tests made me so angry. There would be a whole summer of my brother eating fried fair food and meat and cheese sandwiches, while I guzzled water and made beautifully colorful salads, and yet he was the one to attain a squeaky clean bill of health. It still makes my blood boil thinking about it. The only answers my doctor had for me was “just up your exercise and make sure you are getting enough sleep and lessening stress.” And when my weight did fluctuate and I looked slimmer, all I heard from friends and family was "You have been looking amazing lately, so pretty!" emphasizing the trope that more fat means less attractive. I’m so tired of hearing that.
In between sports seasons, I would wake up in the middle of the night to do a quiet pilates workout on my bedroom floor. I have even woke up at the crack of dawn to go for a jog in the dark and cold of the morning in order to hop back in bed before my family woke up. I really thought that if I ate 2 clementines during the day, workout or go to a 2 hour sports practice, and waiting until dinner to eat a “real” meal as to not worry my family, and chug water any chance I got, I would attain a body and finally be happy. I soon realized however that it was affecting my energy, mood, menstrual cycle, person I saw in the mirror, and the things I loved most, which ironically included cooking and food photography. I was so tired by the end of the day but my grumbling stomach kept me from falling asleep or waking up refreshed. I was too anxious and tired in the morning to stomach breakfast, but was starving by the time I got to my second period class.
If I was particularly stressed, I would binge at night or in afternoons where I was home alone (cooking for just myself or grabbing a snack while any family member is in the kitchen has always made me irrationally anxious - another topic for my therapist lol :)
How does this relate to clothes? I really love a fashion as a way for me to focus on my body in a positive manner, as someone who continues to struggle with their body image. By giving myself a chance to see different parts of my body in a nice way, I can love it, and for the most part, just be body neutral if not always positive. I also find that the fashion industry, if you dig far enough, includes a tremendously diverse and positive community full of people who want to bring others up, and highlight both the brands that do a lot to support us, and the brands who don't. Ashley Graham, Camille Kostek, Remi Bader, and The Confident Collective are all influencers who have content I'm obsessed with, and remind me of the obvious fact that you can wear anything at any size. Fashion trends are not gatekeeper by a dress size or some random fashion journalist's opinion.
I don't use what I was born with as an excuse not to be healthy. I will no matter what always promote body inclusiviely AS WELL AS staying healthy, whatever that looks like per person. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see models on instagram and wish I looked like them. Without thinking about what they go through in life personally (which i will never be able to know from a bikini picture on instagram), I naively tell myself that if I was that aesthetically beautiful and confident, with that waist and a thigh-gap, my life would be so much easier and I'd go through life with ease. This is just plain false.
Since being in college, I've grown a lot and have a better image of my own body compared to when I was worrying sports coaches by not eating all day and almost passing out during a game, I still have troubling days. This is due to my new routines, and new relationships that celebrate me instead of making me jealous or insecure. As someone who loves fashion, it can be hard seeing my friends wearing the latest trends and being looked at by guys in a certain way that I am not capable of as often. I just keep reminding myself that as long as I am living an active, healthy lifestyle, and I dance around my room to my favorite music looking in the mirror, I have a body that helps me live my life and feel fulfilled. I haven't weighed myself on a scale in a long time, because I know that is not a reflection of my health or my actual body, and I'm glad more diverse models are being represented online and in fashion shows. I have a long way to go in terms of my self-esteem, but body positivity is not a one stop shop, it's a journey and a continuous fight towards representation, inspiration, accessibility, and attitude change.
Here are some things to keep in mind in the age of body image complexity:
- Your "summer body," or bikini read body, is the one you already have! There should be no pressure to get on some diet to look a certain way at the beach. Your body is already perfect.
- Hey ladies, that fat on bottom of your stomach you want to lose? It protects your organs/uterus, it is there for a reason and should not be seen as pesky or shameful!
- Exercise and eat the way that makes you feel the best and helps you live your life. Just because a person has some extra fat on them, that doesn't mean they're unhealthy, just like how a slim person isn't always healthy. You don't know what is going on behind the scenes.
If you'd like to hear more about this, I was fortunate enough to get in touch with curve model and Tik Tok fashion superstar Raeann Langas for an (watch here), and we talked about our perspectives on the whole movement of body positivity, as well as her dreams and aspirations for her career.
